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Stop Giving Power To The People Who Hurt You!

To me, forgiveness is a peace of mind. It allows you to move on from an event that had a negative impact on you. However, it holds such significance that you can’t just brush it off. It takes a conscious effort. No matter the time period of the event, most often than not, the impact lasts much longer than the event itself.

Unfortunately, you can’t change someone into who you want them to be. You either accept that no one is perfect and there’s a chance that everyone will hurt you at least once or you choose to not focus on that fact and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

It lasts longer because it was unexpected. You don’t expect to be disappointed so it shakes you. Not even by a stranger because of common decency but it’s even worse when it comes from a loved one, someone who you never thought would hurt you in the first place. However, forgiveness is important. If you don’t let it go of the hurt and forgive, the hurt turns into anger. Most people hold onto that hurt for years and it begins to shapes who they are, how they think and interact with other people. They look at everything negatively, stuck in the moment of the event reliving it over and over. Complaining to everyone they can about what that person did to them years ago. Or the other extreme- they completely close themselves off from everyone and everything to cope. I completely understand both sides. Trust me. I’ve had to forgive my parents for never being the parents I deserved and it took years of wishing things were different and fighting resentment everyday.
Unfortunately, you can’t change someone into who you want them to be. You either accept that no one is perfect and there’s a chance that everyone will hurt you at least once or you choose to not focus on that fact and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I am a mix of realistic and optimistic so I live the first way to protect myself and peace. The second one is not as bad as resentment. You can live a happy life that way with no expectations. However, when the inevitable happens, you’re back with two options- be disappointed all over again or be the realist you were supposed to be in the first place. Then forgive.
Regardless of which one you choose, here are my five steps to forgiveness so you can move on and be free instead of becoming stuck on an event and ultimately resentful.
Step 1: Acceptance and no longer being a victim.
To deal with the hurt, you have to face it head on. That’s how to take back your power. By not running from it, you give yourself the opportunity to dissect the situation and stop blaming yourself while also stop being the victim. It happened and you can’t change the past. No more shoulda, coulda, woulda,
Step 2: Learning and knowing your feelings are valid.
Assess what led up to the event happening and why it hurt you. Your feelings are valid. You feel this way for a reason. The actions of the person did affect you but you can’t control their actions. All you can do is learn from how they reacted to the situation. Maybe it’s their true colors showing after all. A good next part is lowering your expectations of others. Humans are unpredictable. Just because you gave your time, energy and good intentions doesn’t mean you’ll get the same in return. I mean, it would be nice but that’s just not how life goes. That’s the sad truth.
Step 3: Growing and working on communication on your side. Not theirs.
Most hurt comes from miscommunication. Even if your feelings are valid, it’s important to understand that it could be from both sides. It’s easy to misinterpret a text or social media post or even a conversation in person if there is already tension between you two. Maybe things would be better if real feelings were out in the open earlier but don’t dwell on that. Take this as an opportunity to work on being more straightforward about how you feel when you first feel it. The combination of sugar coating plus time equals a mess waiting to happen. In the future, whenever you feel that tension, speak to the person about it instead of ignoring it hoping it will pass. If they don’t respond with good energy, then learn to distance yourself to protect yours. Then there’s this construct called closure but wait on step 5 for that. Just work on what you can do right now.
Step 4: Putting yourself first.
By putting yourself first, you ALWAYS win. You take control of your own life and let go of trying to control the actions others. Just like they probably are, you focus on yourself. You depend on yourself for happiness and growth. That way, you can still love yourself when people show their true colors because you always got your own back and am okay being by yourself. You’re confident to walk away from anyone who doesn’t make you feel good about yourself. Continue to work towards making the life you want and deserve everyday. Focus on the good and good will come to you. Everyone who is meant in your life will be in your life so don’t worry about putting in 100% and getting back less. The real people will give back that 100% naturally.
Step 5: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me” and this thing called closure.
The hardest part for most people is forgiving someone without receiving an apology. You might feel like you need to talk it out with them to get closure to move on when you actually just need to get that closure from yourself. The more older I get, the less I lean on closure because it’s all mental. Even if they apologize, it’s just words. It’ll give you a peace of mind in the moment but time is the real determinant. I hope for you, their actions back it up but if not, don’t be surprised and most importantly, don’t allow them to fool you again. Be aware and don’t wait on permission to set yourself free.
If you completed these five steps, you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. You’ve accepted what happened and as a result, feel free from it. Yes, it was a hard pill to swallow but you got through it and are putting in the effort to not let it have a hold on you. You aren’t trying to put back the pieces of something that’s already broken. You’re letting it go and living your life for you. Not for the hurt from the past. You’re focusing on putting yourself first and being positive to get positive vibes back. You will empower yourself and that’s how it should always be.

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About Me

About Me

Hi Empress! I show women the endless opportunities to be themselves by empowering them to embrace and grow from their shared experiences through vulnerability and community. I help you accept that you'll always be a work in progress and complete at the same time so you can take back power over your life and reach your full potential!

Shantel

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